So, you’ve decided to buy a green shirt and drink green beer until you turn green and vomit. Despite you believing it to be offensive for other ethnic groups, you’re going to reduce Irish people to the lowest common denominator and get drunk because you believe all Irish people are drunks.

Fine, no one is stopping you and your “Irish For Today” or some not really clever drinking shirt. At the end of the day, we just ask you not to commit these atrocities:

First and foremost, it’s Paddy’s not Patty’s. Patty is a woman’s name. If you watch Always Sunny, it’s Paddy’s Pub, not Patty’s Pub. Really, if you say Patty’s, Irish people will think you a bigger idiot than you’re already acting.

Second, if that has four leaves ? it’s a clover, not a shamrock ☘️. The shamrock is Irish. The clover is a marshmallow in a box of Lucky Charms, which is as Irish as french fries are French.

Third, stop with the green beer and bagel nonsense. While Irish people are drinking stuff like Guinness, Harps, Killians, Smithwicks, Murphy’s, etc., you’re drinking awful beer with food coloring. You look like an imbecile.

Also, while you’re eating green bagels, we’re eating good food like Shepherd’s Pie, lamb stew, fish and chips, Irish soda bread, and corned beef and cabbage.

And before you start, you’re not Einstein pointing out corned beef and cabbage isn’t Irish. We all know. What you don’t realize is it’s part of the Irish-American tradition, thereby arguably making it the most appropriate thing to eat at an American St. Paddy’s Day celebration.

There are other areas which could be addressed. For example, wearing orange is offensive, but chances are if you’re learning some of these things for the first time, you’re wearing a token green shirt anyway.

More than anything, remember this is the celebration of a saint, it has importance to Irish people everywhere, and if you’re going to go out and get drunk, be safe and don’t drive.